We've come a long way in recognizing and acknowledging child sexual abuse. Thank God for that. We no longer have to blame the victim, stuff it forever, or throw Aunt Betty into the insane asylum. We've even started teaching our children about good touch/bad touch and tell them they have rights to their bodies. This is all good, but I believe it is time to go further up river if we are going to make an impact on the sexual abuse of children. The way to stop child abuse is to stop people from abusing.

Even armed with a hundred lectures on 'Stranger Danger' a five year old is no match for his thirty-five year old uncle who is not only big and strong, but also buys him candy. In fact, he's really nice and he's in the family and everybody likes him...

Can we finally deal with the fact that 90% of all incidents of child molestation are perpetrated by people near and dear to us?

I believe this is one reason we have been so ineffective on this issue in the past. We don't want to deal with the uncomfortable fact that "they" are "us." We much prefer to believe that people who sexually abuse children are not people at all, but monsters who lurk somewhere out there on the internet or nearby in the bushes. But this just isn't the case. They are family, friends, trusted acquaintances. The saddest reason we don't recognize the people who molest our children is that we love them.

I recently learned a fact that sent me further upriver yet: 30% of the persons who molest children are older, more powerful children. Sexual deviancy disorders show up as early as pre-pubesence. They can be treated easily at that time. That's when we should be stepping in. Family and close community members can become a part of the solution, a circle of safety around our children if we can learn to recognize warning signs and then how to address them. When we fail to deal with sexual problems when they arise because of shame, fear and ignorance, tragedies happen. And it is tragic for everyone involved, not just the 'victim.'

We are so busy demonizing persons who commit sexual crimes that we:
(1) make it impossible for the person at risk of abusing to reach out for the help he/she needs in order NOT to commit the crime!

(2) fail to recognize them in our midst because they don't look like demons!

Still, we need to learn how to recognize potentially dangerous situations and how to step in. We need to learn the difference between healthy and unhealthy sexual behavior in our children. We need to learn to recognize it in an adult as well.

Where is our good vibe/bad vibe training? How do we, as adults, learn to recognize warning signs that a relationship or incident between anyone and a child is off-key, risky, inappropriate? How do we trust our gut on these matters when mostly we've been taught to avert our eyes? And most importantly, how do we learn to speak up effectively when we do? Where do we get the courage, the clarity, the tools?

You can find some great resources on my links page. In particular, my favorite organization Stop It Now! Their website is chock full of answers and they have a toll free hotline for concerns about your own or anyone else's sexual behavior around children.